And as I Continue to Document Our Not-Relationship

My dreams about you are different than what I expect

They’re not physical

Just delicately romantic

Not melodramatic

Just stable

It’s always that sweet before. Before sex, before a kiss, before a relationship. Before you even have to say aloud that you want something.

It’s looking at you and knowing that we feel the same. Holding your hand. Or meeting your eyes. Or having that little drop in my tummy as you say something that hints at infatuation. Or sitting so close to you my skin tingles.

Because I think that’s where you exist for me. In the before. In the almost. In the Dear God, just please. 

Last night’s dream was no exception.

You messaged me and then when I failed to respond, sought me out. All shy grins and shirt sleeve fidgets.

I-I’m that one that sent you those, um, flirty messages that you, you know, didn't respond to.

And that’s where it ends.

That’s where they end.

I don’t know if this is a step forward or backward, but I think that’s what I want from you.

Certainty, stability, an affirmation. I like you. I want you. And I want you to know these things.

In a way it’s like you’re too sweet for a sex dream. Or a fight dream. Or, a “you broke my heart in such a way it’s like you shot me” dream. It’s like you’re wholly different from the other guy, and so there can be no overlap.

It’s like my infatuation is different with you. Because I want your love. I want your attention. I want a relationship. And that’s the part of you that my heart wishes for. That’s why it ends as soon as that part is fulfilled. Because it’s what I want most from you.

Dream me and you, we just interact in such a way as to hint to one another our true feelings. And for dream me, that’s enough. For real me, that might be enough, too.